I have just realized that I am in the grieving process. My dad has Alzheimer's and is declining rather quickly. A few weeks ago he knew my voice, well most days. If I said hi Dad, he knew I belonged to him somehow. Now I don't trigger any reactions from him. If I call the house he puts mom on the phone. I mean I usually call to talk to my mom, but I miss our silly little chats. From the outside they wouldn't mean anything to most people. To me, they were everything. It was how I know that he still knew who I was. I am nothing now. Some stranger is living in my dad's body. This stranger looks at me in confusion, with my dad's beautiful blue eyes. Eyes that no longer light up in recognition when I go home.
Sometimes, I think the worst part is that mom is pretty much dealing with it all on her own. I am only dealing with the outer edges of it. I wish I could be there more for her, but Dad moved them 5 hours away, before he was too far gone. I can't help and I can't make things better. For some reason I can't turn back time.
Then I get angry people think I'm angry with god. I just laugh at them. I don't believe in god. Mom does, she is really angry with him, to the point she doesn't want to go into his house any more. I'm not sure if she's really angry at Dad or herself. Maybe she is just angry with the world. I don't blame her at all.
The thing is, even though my dad is not actually dead, he is. That's not him anymore. He's gone. I keep hoping that a part of him knows it's me. Knows that we as a family love him. Even on his worst days, when we don't understand what is going on in his mind. Even when he is frustrated with us because we don't understand.
My dad is gone. I am grieving.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment