Spiraling

One coming from the dreaming pond ... unfortunately, its not a dream
 falling in and out of depression..   maybe spiralling is a better word. Downward and upwards ... the middle is the best part. Things are in balance when I'm in the middle.
The last couple of days have been a downward spiral ... and I didnt even see it coming, blind sided by something that is a part of me.  It seems to take me by
surprise, and that truly amazing me.

I hope I'm heading up on this journey. To that nice even place. Sometimes, when this depression comes to get me, I feel like running away from home. Far far away. I just don't want to be near people, yet at the same time I just want someone to hold me and tell me things are going to be ok.  It's a time when people as if you're ok and you just feel like yelling NO, Get the hell away from me! and you just want to cry hold me and make it better.

Every that has to deal with depression deals with it differently and they have different symptoms. We dont all do things the same way or to the same degree.
when I get quiet... its not always because I'm thinking... actually I am thinking, just not in a good way.  I slowly spiral till I feel like I am nothing and in MY mind I don't think anyone wants or needs me.

On a good note... ( not that anyone may care lol ) writing this has helped with my day. I feel somewhat better.... now back to life... I hope.
 

waiting

ok , today i'm going to have a little rant. Nothing major. I do try to curb this within myself. Today i'm having a difficult time with it .... PATIENCE. I'm jusr running out of it and have no clue where its going. I wish it would come back to me !

 Sometimes i find waiting for people or things such a trial. whether it be waiting for someone to show up, answer a txt or for my kids to do whats been asked of them. Its driving me crazy. Yes, the kids do this ... they are supposed to ... but what about friends and other loved ones??

If you say you are going to do something , PLEASE! don't leave me hanging. I just cant tell you how much i am waiting for what ever it is. The let down is like falling off of a major cliff ( not that i have done this or plan to ). Maybe i should just give up with the waiting... not sure how to ... but ...  Yeah ... about that ... ::sigh::

ok ... im done, for now

back to my waiting ...  

Touched By Your Light

Wandering in a world of my own
Seeing your face before me
Like a haunting, misty image
Walking away
I feel your eyes on me
Your image fades in the night
One more deep breath
I walk in to the darkness grateful for the moment of light
You brought to me
As I walk in my darkness
Your light will forever be
A part of my soul
My darkness has been forever changed
By your touch
My path forever changed
Thank you for touching me
With your light.

Lost Super Hero

well, needless to say that this super hero is on the run again.
not sure where we are running to , yet. Maybe... I'll run to you. Sometimes super heros need a break.
With up coming events, I'm already planning my escape. As much as I'd like to run to you, its just not going to happen this time. I'm looking forward to the get away.

Wanting ...

what does one do when they want something so much they can taste it ??

this is the question that has me going tonight.

If it was food, well lets go get it, same with a drink.
Now.. what if it is a touch, a feeling, time spent with a person?? Now what are we going to do?
we cant just reach out and grab it/them. OR can we?? Do these feelings, touches and people just have to be a dream or fantasy??  Sadly, most times I'd have to say yes.

The thing is.... that I just want to spend some time with you. Not like just one night. But to really spend time together, get to know each other. In all ways possible. Go to dinner, maybe a movie. Take a few walks. Spend a night together, And no, I'm not talking about sex. Although that might come at some point.

Another thing... you are here with me. Yet , there are times that I feel so alone, lost even.
I walk in the shadows with no contact from you.

There we go ... I'm talking about two different someones. It almost makes me laugh. Maybe I just don't know what I want. OR maybe I want it all .

Something New ( Super Hero )

I'm going to try something new today ... it's a work in progress so, please be patient with me.


I didn't know that life as a Super Hero was going to be so lonely.  If I would have known, maybe I would have left everyone on their own. I can't fix everyone's problems or lives. It just doesn't work that way!

I sit here in the sun, wondering... Wondering why? Why didn't I just walk away. Especially knowing none of you are going to help me, by helping yourselves.

A drink in hand, wondering why I shatter myself for you. I drink in the sunlight and walk the streets in the screaming darkness. I stare in to a drink that will never touch my lips. Never dance gracefully along my tongue.

I scream in to the light while clawing at the darkness. A Super Hero going crazy. Going crazy hearing your voice in my head. Calling out to me. Taunting my waking moments and haunting my soul.

I once reached for you in my sleep. Yet in reality, you were never there. Long gone, lost in the darkness of my imagination. Slipping in to long gone memories, I see you standing before me. Are you real? I have shattered my life to keep you safe. For WHAT?! When I have lost you to the mists.

On the outside I wear a mask. A mask to hide from you. A mask of confidence. When I wear this mask, you all know me. You know I am there to help make things right. To make YOUR life better. People cheer for me and call my name, as if they know me.

WHAT do THEY know?! What do you know about me??  The REAL me... the person lost behind the mask.

Falling Forever More

living on broken dreams

and falling promises

sinking into a blue heart

remembering childhood dreams

and whispered promises

slipping through dark changes

walking the broken path of a teenager

full of promise and dreams

crushed into a red mush

wanting more then one should

dreaming of things to come

falling into a new family

loving so hard

forgetting who you are

lost in a dark silent mist

falling forgotten

falling deeply

falling forever more