My Journey with Alzheimer's ( it sucks!)

Well, it's been almost 8 months since we took my dad to the hospital. He stayed there for a month. Then he was placed into a care home.

It hasn't been an easy journey.  It will only get more difficult. I know all this logically. Yet, there is still a part of me that doesn't want to believe any of it is happening.

So much has happened since I got one phone call from my mom. The hubby and I hopped in our car and drove the 5 hours to mom and dad's place.

It was such a difficult moment. Walking into the house and not having dad greet me at the door. No. He was in his bed and  couldnt get out. His legs wouldn't work.
There was brown vomit all over the floor on his side of the bed. He wouldn't eat or drink anything. It was really scary.

Its even more scary when he wouldn't let mom call an ambulance. I ended up doing it.  I remember asking the dispatcher to send them, but asking if they can come on silent. Partly not to freak out the neighbors. Mostly though, not to freak dad out.

I remember curling up on his bed with him, telling him that I did something he wasn't going to like.  In that moment, he was MY DAD. What did you do ? He asked. I told him that I called for an ambulance,  that I need him to get better.  He pulled me into his arms and told me it's ok. 

He was suppose to be angry with me.

But he wasn't. I curled up in his arms and cried. 

Up Coming issues and Alzhiemer's

SO,  I talked with mom last night. WOW was it difficult.
my daughter graduates in a year and mom, well... its not that she doesn't want to come home for the grad, its more that it just plain hurts her to come back home. she wants to stay here but can't. Dad won't come back. When Dad comes home it just seems to confuse him more ( alzheimer's).

The grad is still a year away, we don't need to make plans yet, but i think it would break my daughters heart if her Grandma wasn't there. I mean the two of them have a lot in common and as so alike in so many ways. When i think of the age difference between them, its actually pretty awesome.
A 17 year old and and almost 90 year old lady lol. What could they possibly have in common ??
MUSIC! actual records! Glen Miller and Patsy Cline, Jazz as well

I have a difficult time when mom cries when im on the phone with her. It reminds me that i can't fix all things things what have gone wonky. I can't go back in time and change things that have happened. I want to do that for my mom. I want it so she is still here with a support system. Where people know my dad and understand him. people that won't judge because of his illness.

Gothic Knight

Please don't be a dream. I really hope you are real. I need you to be real. So often I think I am going       crazy with thoughts of you. I close my eyes and see you standing there. I can hear your voice in my head.

 Are you there? Behind me? I can hear you breathing. Your breath falling on me like a mist. I can feel it but not touch it. I know you are there, but I cannot touch you.

Maybe I am a little crazy. Maybe I conjured you from my fantasies. Maybe if I concentrate hard enough I can make you real. You could become a solid being.

 Could I really do that? Truly bring you to life? Would we still be strangers? Would you still be a mystery to me? Would you still be my Gothic Knight?

I don't think I could do that to you. I can't be selfish and bring you to the destruction  
  of my world. When you are fighting to keep what is left of yours.

With your sword and shield, you protect those with none. Your black duster flying at your ankles. Your hair blowing in the wind.

You hear a voice in the night. Calling for help. Calling your name. Little do you know, that it's me calling you from afar. From a far off place. Yet, so close to your heart.

A time has come. A time where I am lost in the dark. And you walk in the light.

The Dreamer is not Dreaming, Alzheimer's is Terrible

I have just realized that I am in the grieving process. My dad has Alzheimer's and is declining rather quickly.  A few weeks ago he knew my voice, well most days. If I said hi Dad, he knew I belonged to him somehow. Now I don't trigger any reactions from him. If I call the house he puts mom on the phone. I mean I usually call to talk to my mom, but I miss our silly little chats. From the outside they wouldn't mean anything to most people. To me, they were everything. It was how I know that he still knew who I was. I am nothing now. Some stranger is living in my dad's body. This stranger looks at me in confusion, with my dad's beautiful blue eyes. Eyes that no longer light up in recognition when I go home.

Sometimes, I think the worst part is that mom is pretty much dealing with it all on her own. I am only dealing with the outer edges of it. I wish I could be there more for her, but Dad moved them 5 hours away, before he was too far gone. I can't help and I can't make things better. For some reason I can't turn back time.

Then I get angry people think I'm angry with god. I just laugh at them. I don't believe in god. Mom does, she is really angry with him, to the point she doesn't want to go into his house any more. I'm not sure if she's really angry at Dad or herself. Maybe she is just angry with the world. I don't blame her at all.

The thing is, even though my dad is not actually dead, he is. That's not him anymore. He's gone. I keep hoping that a part of him knows it's me. Knows that we as a family love him. Even on his worst days, when we don't understand what is going on in his mind. Even when he is frustrated with us because we don't understand.

My dad is gone. I am grieving.

Wonky

Its interesting when you are trying to make a come back, as a super hero, and things go all wonky. Wonky is this super heros life.

Re-doing my kitchen  ... not all terrible and yet, not all that great. My colours are awesome and feel amazing. My new cupboards are going to be amazing. They are not there yet. And a counter top! I need a counter top!  When that gets done, I know it will be great. Getting there are been a super pain!

Moving on ... the super hero kitty is extremely demanding lol  that's what meows are though, demanding. I fall for his big blue eyes all the time. He is a big part of the happiness around here . I can no longer imagine my life with out him.

Welcome to wonky, super heroes!
Remember to be your own super hero !

The return of a super hero

I have wanted to come back here for some time now.  It seems like the right time. The sun is shining and the snow is melting. I may not be in super hero mode ... yet. . But I suspect that will come back in time.  For now, this dreamer is dreaming again and not lost in the darkness of life. A candle has been lit and I can see the walls that cage me in.... it's time to climb out and feel the sun kissing my skin .

What a day to return... Friday the 13th !
Well... it's only bad if you are a templar . Which I am not. Hahaha

Have an amazing weekend humans!

Deamer is dreaming again...

Time is getting closer ...
Had such a wonderful time with my hubby in the last few days... really in the last few weeks.
... it's kind of funny/sad my bday is on thanks giving this year and 11 days later ... oMGs!  Will have been married 22 years.
It's just amazing  how time moves .. most times with out us realizing it.
Time just keeps passing... life moves on.

When  I first got married I didn't think it would be like this. It hasn't been bad. It's been real good.  Up and downs; rough patches and sunny days. 4 wonderfully different kids later. Married life is still good and the kids are almost all grown up.
Again.. life moves on, with or with out us. I am not sure if I am looking forward to my bday or to the anniversary.  Yeah .. I kind of am... but atbthw same time.. they don't feel specialness exciting like when they were new.
I was wonderfully spoiled with celebrating early. Maybe that's what happened ... they have already been celebrated.

Wondering

sometimes do you wonder why you came out of the shadows? Does that moment in time haunt you ?
there are times that i wonder these things. I have not found a suitable answer as of yet.
Somedays I am very glad to walk in the light but I miss the shadows where things felt safer.
Other times ...  well.. yeah .. there are times i just want to throw the covers over my head and hide.
I dream of being back in the shadows of your light. I wonder why I was pulled from the shadows to live this "normal" life. hahaha  Normal, that is always so funny!

Normal, trying to accept a life in the light. something seems not to Dreamer like there. All in all like in the light can be very good. Then there are the MOMENTS, like today ...
Was I happier in the shadows, was anything even real there, Was it all a dream? OR maybe this life in the light is the dream ...

Maybe... just maybe we are really all figments of someone else's imagination ... thats is always possible. What happens then that person dies or stops thinking about us ( because they no longer need us). Maybe they stop thinking about us because they no longer live in the shadows...

WOW! talk about a rambling Dreamer  lol   Sorry about that!


I also wonder if anything really matters.... maybe I am just .. I don't even know a word for it ...
i don't think I'm crazy, so that is not the right word. I am sure there is a word or several out there to describe me.

I Thought Wrong

I Thought Wrong …

feeling like I lost my best friend
having a feeling of being lost
feeling sad emptiness

I thought you would have told me
I thought that maybe …
just maybe
but I thought wrong

Sometimes  I let my heart
run away with out me
Sometimes it goes so far a head
of me
I think I know what page I’m on

I thought  you might have told me
I thought we were closer then that
I thought that maybe …
just maybe
But I thought wrong


My heart races at the thought of you
my heart races when I hear from you
My world lights up
when you talk to me

I thought you might have told me
I thought I would be the first to know
I thought that maybe…
just maybe
But I thought wrong.

Dying Dreams

The Dreamer of Dreams is lost in a dream
Lost in a drowning pool of lost hope
swimming in uncertainty

Dreaming Dreams that will never see light
thinking that its time for the dream to die
and not take flight

The Dreamer cannot do this
dream anymore
the dream is falling through my fingers

What happens when the dream
has to die
what happens when the dream
falls a part
what happens when the dream
is forced to die


The Dreamer is lost in a dream
a dying dream taking everything
a dream that should be no more 

Spiraling

One coming from the dreaming pond ... unfortunately, its not a dream
 falling in and out of depression..   maybe spiralling is a better word. Downward and upwards ... the middle is the best part. Things are in balance when I'm in the middle.
The last couple of days have been a downward spiral ... and I didnt even see it coming, blind sided by something that is a part of me.  It seems to take me by
surprise, and that truly amazing me.

I hope I'm heading up on this journey. To that nice even place. Sometimes, when this depression comes to get me, I feel like running away from home. Far far away. I just don't want to be near people, yet at the same time I just want someone to hold me and tell me things are going to be ok.  It's a time when people as if you're ok and you just feel like yelling NO, Get the hell away from me! and you just want to cry hold me and make it better.

Every that has to deal with depression deals with it differently and they have different symptoms. We dont all do things the same way or to the same degree.
when I get quiet... its not always because I'm thinking... actually I am thinking, just not in a good way.  I slowly spiral till I feel like I am nothing and in MY mind I don't think anyone wants or needs me.

On a good note... ( not that anyone may care lol ) writing this has helped with my day. I feel somewhat better.... now back to life... I hope.
 

waiting

ok , today i'm going to have a little rant. Nothing major. I do try to curb this within myself. Today i'm having a difficult time with it .... PATIENCE. I'm jusr running out of it and have no clue where its going. I wish it would come back to me !

 Sometimes i find waiting for people or things such a trial. whether it be waiting for someone to show up, answer a txt or for my kids to do whats been asked of them. Its driving me crazy. Yes, the kids do this ... they are supposed to ... but what about friends and other loved ones??

If you say you are going to do something , PLEASE! don't leave me hanging. I just cant tell you how much i am waiting for what ever it is. The let down is like falling off of a major cliff ( not that i have done this or plan to ). Maybe i should just give up with the waiting... not sure how to ... but ...  Yeah ... about that ... ::sigh::

ok ... im done, for now

back to my waiting ...  

Touched By Your Light

Wandering in a world of my own
Seeing your face before me
Like a haunting, misty image
Walking away
I feel your eyes on me
Your image fades in the night
One more deep breath
I walk in to the darkness grateful for the moment of light
You brought to me
As I walk in my darkness
Your light will forever be
A part of my soul
My darkness has been forever changed
By your touch
My path forever changed
Thank you for touching me
With your light.

Lost Super Hero

well, needless to say that this super hero is on the run again.
not sure where we are running to , yet. Maybe... I'll run to you. Sometimes super heros need a break.
With up coming events, I'm already planning my escape. As much as I'd like to run to you, its just not going to happen this time. I'm looking forward to the get away.

Wanting ...

what does one do when they want something so much they can taste it ??

this is the question that has me going tonight.

If it was food, well lets go get it, same with a drink.
Now.. what if it is a touch, a feeling, time spent with a person?? Now what are we going to do?
we cant just reach out and grab it/them. OR can we?? Do these feelings, touches and people just have to be a dream or fantasy??  Sadly, most times I'd have to say yes.

The thing is.... that I just want to spend some time with you. Not like just one night. But to really spend time together, get to know each other. In all ways possible. Go to dinner, maybe a movie. Take a few walks. Spend a night together, And no, I'm not talking about sex. Although that might come at some point.

Another thing... you are here with me. Yet , there are times that I feel so alone, lost even.
I walk in the shadows with no contact from you.

There we go ... I'm talking about two different someones. It almost makes me laugh. Maybe I just don't know what I want. OR maybe I want it all .

Something New ( Super Hero )

I'm going to try something new today ... it's a work in progress so, please be patient with me.


I didn't know that life as a Super Hero was going to be so lonely.  If I would have known, maybe I would have left everyone on their own. I can't fix everyone's problems or lives. It just doesn't work that way!

I sit here in the sun, wondering... Wondering why? Why didn't I just walk away. Especially knowing none of you are going to help me, by helping yourselves.

A drink in hand, wondering why I shatter myself for you. I drink in the sunlight and walk the streets in the screaming darkness. I stare in to a drink that will never touch my lips. Never dance gracefully along my tongue.

I scream in to the light while clawing at the darkness. A Super Hero going crazy. Going crazy hearing your voice in my head. Calling out to me. Taunting my waking moments and haunting my soul.

I once reached for you in my sleep. Yet in reality, you were never there. Long gone, lost in the darkness of my imagination. Slipping in to long gone memories, I see you standing before me. Are you real? I have shattered my life to keep you safe. For WHAT?! When I have lost you to the mists.

On the outside I wear a mask. A mask to hide from you. A mask of confidence. When I wear this mask, you all know me. You know I am there to help make things right. To make YOUR life better. People cheer for me and call my name, as if they know me.

WHAT do THEY know?! What do you know about me??  The REAL me... the person lost behind the mask.

Falling Forever More

living on broken dreams

and falling promises

sinking into a blue heart

remembering childhood dreams

and whispered promises

slipping through dark changes

walking the broken path of a teenager

full of promise and dreams

crushed into a red mush

wanting more then one should

dreaming of things to come

falling into a new family

loving so hard

forgetting who you are

lost in a dark silent mist

falling forgotten

falling deeply

falling forever more

Broken

i cant believe it
why do i bother
it hurts so much

when did i become the go to person
why am i always there for you
yet you cannot be there for me

as much as i care
i have to walk away
it hurts too much to stay

my soul cries out
just for a kind word
maybe a touch

i dont seem to be worth much to you
just a doll to play with
a toy to put a side
when something newer comes along

now its time for me to leave
to find my place
as more then just a doll

left feeling unwanted
my soul cries out
just for a kind word
maybe a touch


all i feel is brokenness
shattered dreams
never to see light

Waves of Depression

Falling in to a deep dark hole
dark waves of depression
closing around me

in the darkness
lost and alone
watching colours drifting by

wave after wave pulling me under
currents of sadness tearing at my soul
taking me apart bit by bit

falling deeper in to never ending darkness
slipping under the waves of sadness
falling down in to an abyss
seeing no way out

Delusions and Fantisies

I walked in to it
knowing i was no more important
then the person next to you

deluding my self with such fantasies
falling for your charm
head over heels i fell

looking in to your eyes
pretending that look is for me
betraying myself in to believing

walking from your silence
hiding the tears
turning away
leaving my heart behind

deluded and betrayed
no one to blame
just the dreams and imaginings
of a lost soul hoping for more

reminding myself
i could never walk in your world
who was i kidding
no one save myself