Wanting ...

what does one do when they want something so much they can taste it ??

this is the question that has me going tonight.

If it was food, well lets go get it, same with a drink.
Now.. what if it is a touch, a feeling, time spent with a person?? Now what are we going to do?
we cant just reach out and grab it/them. OR can we?? Do these feelings, touches and people just have to be a dream or fantasy??  Sadly, most times I'd have to say yes.

The thing is.... that I just want to spend some time with you. Not like just one night. But to really spend time together, get to know each other. In all ways possible. Go to dinner, maybe a movie. Take a few walks. Spend a night together, And no, I'm not talking about sex. Although that might come at some point.

Another thing... you are here with me. Yet , there are times that I feel so alone, lost even.
I walk in the shadows with no contact from you.

There we go ... I'm talking about two different someones. It almost makes me laugh. Maybe I just don't know what I want. OR maybe I want it all .

Something New ( Super Hero )

I'm going to try something new today ... it's a work in progress so, please be patient with me.


I didn't know that life as a Super Hero was going to be so lonely.  If I would have known, maybe I would have left everyone on their own. I can't fix everyone's problems or lives. It just doesn't work that way!

I sit here in the sun, wondering... Wondering why? Why didn't I just walk away. Especially knowing none of you are going to help me, by helping yourselves.

A drink in hand, wondering why I shatter myself for you. I drink in the sunlight and walk the streets in the screaming darkness. I stare in to a drink that will never touch my lips. Never dance gracefully along my tongue.

I scream in to the light while clawing at the darkness. A Super Hero going crazy. Going crazy hearing your voice in my head. Calling out to me. Taunting my waking moments and haunting my soul.

I once reached for you in my sleep. Yet in reality, you were never there. Long gone, lost in the darkness of my imagination. Slipping in to long gone memories, I see you standing before me. Are you real? I have shattered my life to keep you safe. For WHAT?! When I have lost you to the mists.

On the outside I wear a mask. A mask to hide from you. A mask of confidence. When I wear this mask, you all know me. You know I am there to help make things right. To make YOUR life better. People cheer for me and call my name, as if they know me.

WHAT do THEY know?! What do you know about me??  The REAL me... the person lost behind the mask.

Falling Forever More

living on broken dreams

and falling promises

sinking into a blue heart

remembering childhood dreams

and whispered promises

slipping through dark changes

walking the broken path of a teenager

full of promise and dreams

crushed into a red mush

wanting more then one should

dreaming of things to come

falling into a new family

loving so hard

forgetting who you are

lost in a dark silent mist

falling forgotten

falling deeply

falling forever more

Broken

i cant believe it
why do i bother
it hurts so much

when did i become the go to person
why am i always there for you
yet you cannot be there for me

as much as i care
i have to walk away
it hurts too much to stay

my soul cries out
just for a kind word
maybe a touch

i dont seem to be worth much to you
just a doll to play with
a toy to put a side
when something newer comes along

now its time for me to leave
to find my place
as more then just a doll

left feeling unwanted
my soul cries out
just for a kind word
maybe a touch


all i feel is brokenness
shattered dreams
never to see light

Waves of Depression

Falling in to a deep dark hole
dark waves of depression
closing around me

in the darkness
lost and alone
watching colours drifting by

wave after wave pulling me under
currents of sadness tearing at my soul
taking me apart bit by bit

falling deeper in to never ending darkness
slipping under the waves of sadness
falling down in to an abyss
seeing no way out

Delusions and Fantisies

I walked in to it
knowing i was no more important
then the person next to you

deluding my self with such fantasies
falling for your charm
head over heels i fell

looking in to your eyes
pretending that look is for me
betraying myself in to believing

walking from your silence
hiding the tears
turning away
leaving my heart behind

deluded and betrayed
no one to blame
just the dreams and imaginings
of a lost soul hoping for more

reminding myself
i could never walk in your world
who was i kidding
no one save myself

Lost

lost in time's memory

wanting to take a step forward

something is holding me back

screaming out unshed tears

with no one to hear

no on to care

lost in time's memory

did I ever exist

even in your imagination

screaming out

there is no one there

screaming for repentance

that doesn't exist

lost in time's memory

looking for peace

not knowing if I am

really there ...

lost and looking for a way out

is time holding on to me?

I think I'm going crazy