Up Coming issues and Alzhiemer's

SO,  I talked with mom last night. WOW was it difficult.
my daughter graduates in a year and mom, well... its not that she doesn't want to come home for the grad, its more that it just plain hurts her to come back home. she wants to stay here but can't. Dad won't come back. When Dad comes home it just seems to confuse him more ( alzheimer's).

The grad is still a year away, we don't need to make plans yet, but i think it would break my daughters heart if her Grandma wasn't there. I mean the two of them have a lot in common and as so alike in so many ways. When i think of the age difference between them, its actually pretty awesome.
A 17 year old and and almost 90 year old lady lol. What could they possibly have in common ??
MUSIC! actual records! Glen Miller and Patsy Cline, Jazz as well

I have a difficult time when mom cries when im on the phone with her. It reminds me that i can't fix all things things what have gone wonky. I can't go back in time and change things that have happened. I want to do that for my mom. I want it so she is still here with a support system. Where people know my dad and understand him. people that won't judge because of his illness.

Gothic Knight

Please don't be a dream. I really hope you are real. I need you to be real. So often I think I am going       crazy with thoughts of you. I close my eyes and see you standing there. I can hear your voice in my head.

 Are you there? Behind me? I can hear you breathing. Your breath falling on me like a mist. I can feel it but not touch it. I know you are there, but I cannot touch you.

Maybe I am a little crazy. Maybe I conjured you from my fantasies. Maybe if I concentrate hard enough I can make you real. You could become a solid being.

 Could I really do that? Truly bring you to life? Would we still be strangers? Would you still be a mystery to me? Would you still be my Gothic Knight?

I don't think I could do that to you. I can't be selfish and bring you to the destruction  
  of my world. When you are fighting to keep what is left of yours.

With your sword and shield, you protect those with none. Your black duster flying at your ankles. Your hair blowing in the wind.

You hear a voice in the night. Calling for help. Calling your name. Little do you know, that it's me calling you from afar. From a far off place. Yet, so close to your heart.

A time has come. A time where I am lost in the dark. And you walk in the light.

The Dreamer is not Dreaming, Alzheimer's is Terrible

I have just realized that I am in the grieving process. My dad has Alzheimer's and is declining rather quickly.  A few weeks ago he knew my voice, well most days. If I said hi Dad, he knew I belonged to him somehow. Now I don't trigger any reactions from him. If I call the house he puts mom on the phone. I mean I usually call to talk to my mom, but I miss our silly little chats. From the outside they wouldn't mean anything to most people. To me, they were everything. It was how I know that he still knew who I was. I am nothing now. Some stranger is living in my dad's body. This stranger looks at me in confusion, with my dad's beautiful blue eyes. Eyes that no longer light up in recognition when I go home.

Sometimes, I think the worst part is that mom is pretty much dealing with it all on her own. I am only dealing with the outer edges of it. I wish I could be there more for her, but Dad moved them 5 hours away, before he was too far gone. I can't help and I can't make things better. For some reason I can't turn back time.

Then I get angry people think I'm angry with god. I just laugh at them. I don't believe in god. Mom does, she is really angry with him, to the point she doesn't want to go into his house any more. I'm not sure if she's really angry at Dad or herself. Maybe she is just angry with the world. I don't blame her at all.

The thing is, even though my dad is not actually dead, he is. That's not him anymore. He's gone. I keep hoping that a part of him knows it's me. Knows that we as a family love him. Even on his worst days, when we don't understand what is going on in his mind. Even when he is frustrated with us because we don't understand.

My dad is gone. I am grieving.

Wonky

Its interesting when you are trying to make a come back, as a super hero, and things go all wonky. Wonky is this super heros life.

Re-doing my kitchen  ... not all terrible and yet, not all that great. My colours are awesome and feel amazing. My new cupboards are going to be amazing. They are not there yet. And a counter top! I need a counter top!  When that gets done, I know it will be great. Getting there are been a super pain!

Moving on ... the super hero kitty is extremely demanding lol  that's what meows are though, demanding. I fall for his big blue eyes all the time. He is a big part of the happiness around here . I can no longer imagine my life with out him.

Welcome to wonky, super heroes!
Remember to be your own super hero !

The return of a super hero

I have wanted to come back here for some time now.  It seems like the right time. The sun is shining and the snow is melting. I may not be in super hero mode ... yet. . But I suspect that will come back in time.  For now, this dreamer is dreaming again and not lost in the darkness of life. A candle has been lit and I can see the walls that cage me in.... it's time to climb out and feel the sun kissing my skin .

What a day to return... Friday the 13th !
Well... it's only bad if you are a templar . Which I am not. Hahaha

Have an amazing weekend humans!

Deamer is dreaming again...

Time is getting closer ...
Had such a wonderful time with my hubby in the last few days... really in the last few weeks.
... it's kind of funny/sad my bday is on thanks giving this year and 11 days later ... oMGs!  Will have been married 22 years.
It's just amazing  how time moves .. most times with out us realizing it.
Time just keeps passing... life moves on.

When  I first got married I didn't think it would be like this. It hasn't been bad. It's been real good.  Up and downs; rough patches and sunny days. 4 wonderfully different kids later. Married life is still good and the kids are almost all grown up.
Again.. life moves on, with or with out us. I am not sure if I am looking forward to my bday or to the anniversary.  Yeah .. I kind of am... but atbthw same time.. they don't feel specialness exciting like when they were new.
I was wonderfully spoiled with celebrating early. Maybe that's what happened ... they have already been celebrated.

Wondering

sometimes do you wonder why you came out of the shadows? Does that moment in time haunt you ?
there are times that i wonder these things. I have not found a suitable answer as of yet.
Somedays I am very glad to walk in the light but I miss the shadows where things felt safer.
Other times ...  well.. yeah .. there are times i just want to throw the covers over my head and hide.
I dream of being back in the shadows of your light. I wonder why I was pulled from the shadows to live this "normal" life. hahaha  Normal, that is always so funny!

Normal, trying to accept a life in the light. something seems not to Dreamer like there. All in all like in the light can be very good. Then there are the MOMENTS, like today ...
Was I happier in the shadows, was anything even real there, Was it all a dream? OR maybe this life in the light is the dream ...

Maybe... just maybe we are really all figments of someone else's imagination ... thats is always possible. What happens then that person dies or stops thinking about us ( because they no longer need us). Maybe they stop thinking about us because they no longer live in the shadows...

WOW! talk about a rambling Dreamer  lol   Sorry about that!


I also wonder if anything really matters.... maybe I am just .. I don't even know a word for it ...
i don't think I'm crazy, so that is not the right word. I am sure there is a word or several out there to describe me.