Up Coming issues and Alzhiemer's

SO,  I talked with mom last night. WOW was it difficult.
my daughter graduates in a year and mom, well... its not that she doesn't want to come home for the grad, its more that it just plain hurts her to come back home. she wants to stay here but can't. Dad won't come back. When Dad comes home it just seems to confuse him more ( alzheimer's).

The grad is still a year away, we don't need to make plans yet, but i think it would break my daughters heart if her Grandma wasn't there. I mean the two of them have a lot in common and as so alike in so many ways. When i think of the age difference between them, its actually pretty awesome.
A 17 year old and and almost 90 year old lady lol. What could they possibly have in common ??
MUSIC! actual records! Glen Miller and Patsy Cline, Jazz as well

I have a difficult time when mom cries when im on the phone with her. It reminds me that i can't fix all things things what have gone wonky. I can't go back in time and change things that have happened. I want to do that for my mom. I want it so she is still here with a support system. Where people know my dad and understand him. people that won't judge because of his illness.

Gothic Knight

Please don't be a dream. I really hope you are real. I need you to be real. So often I think I am going       crazy with thoughts of you. I close my eyes and see you standing there. I can hear your voice in my head.

 Are you there? Behind me? I can hear you breathing. Your breath falling on me like a mist. I can feel it but not touch it. I know you are there, but I cannot touch you.

Maybe I am a little crazy. Maybe I conjured you from my fantasies. Maybe if I concentrate hard enough I can make you real. You could become a solid being.

 Could I really do that? Truly bring you to life? Would we still be strangers? Would you still be a mystery to me? Would you still be my Gothic Knight?

I don't think I could do that to you. I can't be selfish and bring you to the destruction  
  of my world. When you are fighting to keep what is left of yours.

With your sword and shield, you protect those with none. Your black duster flying at your ankles. Your hair blowing in the wind.

You hear a voice in the night. Calling for help. Calling your name. Little do you know, that it's me calling you from afar. From a far off place. Yet, so close to your heart.

A time has come. A time where I am lost in the dark. And you walk in the light.

The Dreamer is not Dreaming, Alzheimer's is Terrible

I have just realized that I am in the grieving process. My dad has Alzheimer's and is declining rather quickly.  A few weeks ago he knew my voice, well most days. If I said hi Dad, he knew I belonged to him somehow. Now I don't trigger any reactions from him. If I call the house he puts mom on the phone. I mean I usually call to talk to my mom, but I miss our silly little chats. From the outside they wouldn't mean anything to most people. To me, they were everything. It was how I know that he still knew who I was. I am nothing now. Some stranger is living in my dad's body. This stranger looks at me in confusion, with my dad's beautiful blue eyes. Eyes that no longer light up in recognition when I go home.

Sometimes, I think the worst part is that mom is pretty much dealing with it all on her own. I am only dealing with the outer edges of it. I wish I could be there more for her, but Dad moved them 5 hours away, before he was too far gone. I can't help and I can't make things better. For some reason I can't turn back time.

Then I get angry people think I'm angry with god. I just laugh at them. I don't believe in god. Mom does, she is really angry with him, to the point she doesn't want to go into his house any more. I'm not sure if she's really angry at Dad or herself. Maybe she is just angry with the world. I don't blame her at all.

The thing is, even though my dad is not actually dead, he is. That's not him anymore. He's gone. I keep hoping that a part of him knows it's me. Knows that we as a family love him. Even on his worst days, when we don't understand what is going on in his mind. Even when he is frustrated with us because we don't understand.

My dad is gone. I am grieving.